for the first time in a very long time, i feel as if im in something of an artisitic void. i have not had the urge to express myelf visually in a usual way (for me) in something that i would consider to be a very very long time. have i neglected myself? am i distraught? confused? paranoid? i am these things and more, but i've been worse. And during such times, creativity has always been a direct outlet for those feelings... but lately, i do not know. maybe i need to stop using direct and meticulous punctuation. maybe i need to only use transitive verbs; speak without using the letter 'e'; ramble in nothing but broken spanish; refrain from using contractions.

i have no fingernails left to gnaw on, no loose hairs left to pull, nothing left to pick at, no incongruencies in my mouth to tongue mercilessly.

for the first time ever, i've actaully become phsyically ill from anxiety.
i think.

i sleep on my floor with no pillow.

i sing alot of oldies.

i sleep erraticly, and read and research more and more and more.

i think i'm changing.

maybe i need to enlighten myself.
mayhaps, just mayhaps, i'm looking to find myself.



whatever it is, - i think i like it.



things like this dont just drift in and squat. methinks there's a transition that has been welling inside me that i'm just beginning to embrace, that i've only just now come to recognize.... as vague as it might (as of now) be.

lol, that or everything seems to be slowly just getting weirder and weirder around me, and i slowly age and ease into my early twenties. hahahahahahahahah, i'll be 21 in less than 6 months, and more than likely (hopefully), living on my own by then, attending school, dabbling in various mentally stimulating educational and interesting things.

but nothing is certain

not even tomorrow

although

if i were to die of a brain anuerism tonight, i wouldn't be satisfied with myself... not entirely. i've still got regrets. and for that, i am terribly scared - - - not because i have them, but because i know that if i were to perish in the next 24 hours, so many things would go unsaid, undone, unknown, and worst of all, unnoticed.

now that i think of it, i think i'll make up some kind of makeshift will, so as in the untimely event of the demise of Matthew James Danko, those who know me will at least have something to go on, aside from my organ donor card and random rants about how i hate funerals, and would want, if anything, a wake. also, many of the people i know, and even those i love, don't know many important things; stuff that i could tell them right now, and that i would otherwise regret not telling them should something happen and they never know. lol, i cant leave it up to my idiot parents to look after anything if i were to go. not that im expecting to or suicidal or anything, just that theyd really be stupid abuot the whole thing, insisting that they be the head haunchos in the dealings, as i'm Their Son. hahahaa. fuck that. we rarely talk of anything beyond formalities, and i prefer it that way, as they are arrogant and ignorant and judgemental people, content to live in a bubble and breathe the toxic life within this city, like so many others. if anything, i'd leave my departation arrangements to be left to everyone who'd like to - not those who'd feel OBLIGATED to, but who genuinely would WANT to - do so.

just thinking about eastern society death and burial customs gets me wondering. how fucked up and fargone are we as a people? we dont even celebrate life anymore. over here, we mourn, sob, mope and depress over death. so fucking what if the deceased HAS, in fact, PASSED ON?! there's nothing oyu could do to change taht, and even if ther were, you'd probably be fucking with things beyond your comprehension anyway. yah, they died. yah, they left a body. but YES, they LIVED.

and YES, you too will also die.

we are not as immortal as we'd all like to pretend we are.

"You have to realize that someday, you will DIE. Until you know that?: you are useless." - Tyler Durden


OH and one more thing before i go; please dont think me cynical or pessimistic or negative for writing these things. if nothing else, i'm trying to be realistic and honest. if you find yourself thinking them to be the former; please look inside yourself, and ask "why?"

in the end, only you can save yourself.

LIVE.